Divorced Jamaican Man Hesitates To Marry Former Lover

Dear Pastor,

I am writing because I need your view on a situation in my life. I am 42, divorced, and my marriage ended after a short time.

One major issue was that my former wife seemed to take guidance from her mother on almost everything. Matters that should have stayed between husband and wife would later reach her mother, who would either support the plan or warn her that it carried too much risk.

After a while, I got fed up hearing that we should not move ahead with one idea or another because her mother believed it was too dangerous or would not bring in enough money. Her father, however, usually supported me. He told me that if I had a plan in my heart, I should pursue it, because I would feel badly if I later watched other people profit from similar ideas.

My ex-wife's mother lived for what she wanted at the time. She did not put aside money, and she encouraged her daughter to spend carelessly. If I gave my wife money on the weekend, by Monday she would say she needed to handle something but had nothing left. She liked a flashy lifestyle and was always doing her hair and nails at the salon.

I eventually felt she was not the right wife for me. She began accusing me of dealing with other women, and the truth is that I did have another girlfriend. That woman was not prettier than my wife, but I felt more at ease around her. She did not quarrel with me the way my wife did, and she was also younger.

I sometimes wonder what made me marry my wife in the first place. The woman I was seeing outside the marriage had three children, each with a different father, but she carried herself well. I did not allow the children to affect my feelings for her. They treated me with respect and called me uncle.

By then, my wife no longer interested me. We were not intimate, and when she touched me in bed, I could not respond physically. I had to think about the other woman before I could become aroused. My wife kept insisting that she knew I had women elsewhere.

While my wife was away on vacation, she got involved with another man, and I later filed for divorce. I now live with the woman I had been cheating with, and she wants us to get married.

I am not willing to take another chance on marriage. I told her we could keep living as we are, but she wants the title of wife. She wants to attend church and show her friends that she is married. I am not sure whether marriage would really make a difference. Please advise me.

M

Dear M.,

You have described this woman as a good partner, and you say that is why you are with her. You also said your former wife was not suitable for you because she cared too much about showing off and spending.

Since you found someone who is different from your ex-wife, there should be no major obstacle to marrying her if she treats you well. Your hesitation may be tied to the fact that she has three children with three separate fathers.

Some people may talk about your decision if you marry her. That does not mean the matter is their business, but in Jamaica people often comment on other people's affairs.

Since she wants marriage, ask her to arrange for both of you to sit down with a family counsellor. Use that session to talk honestly about where the relationship should go from here.

Pastor