Kristen Gyles | Every Hitler has a mom

Human beings are storytellers by nature. We form our views and opinions of each other from personal experiences, anecdotes, and impressions. Someone is kind because they were kind to us. Someone is trustworthy because they kept their promises to us. Someone is generous because we have benefited from their generosity. Someone is polite and respectful because they greet us warmly every morning.

This tendency serves us well much of the time. After all, our own experiences are the most immediate evidence available to us. At the same time, it can also create a dangerous blind spot. Whether held consciously or subconsciously, many of us harbour the belief that if we have not witnessed a person's harmful behaviour first-hand, that behaviour either does not exist or cannot be as bad as other people claim it to be.

One of the most common responses people get when they talk about ill-treatment meted out to them is not outright denial but a softer, more socially acceptable form of disbelief, sounding something like "That nuh really sound like him" or "I've never seen that side to her", which is valid, but perhaps irrelevant. 

NOT SO UNCOMMON

One not-so-uncommon experience in Jamaica is watching the news and seeing probably a dozen women holding up placards at the front of their inner-city community, swearing to the innocence of the ‘don’ or area leader the police just came in and arrested or killed. The argument seems to almost always be that this benevolent ‘don’ is no criminal at all, because he is always paying school fees for the children in the area, always buying laptops and smartphones for them, and always paying medical bills for the elders and ensuring they are taken care of.

And it is probably true most of the time. But two things can be true at the same time. A ‘don’ can be a ruthless and merciless murderer and can also give his granny kisses every night. Every ‘don’ has a granny, a mommy, a wife, a baby mother, a son or a daughter he adores. Criminals aren’t immune to feelings of love, sympathy and care for the people they care about. 

Many people don't know that Adolf Hitler was deeply connected to his mom, Klara. He had an extremely loving relationship with her and when she eventually died of a terminal illness when he was 18 years old, he was practically paralysed with sadness. Her physician commented that he had never witnessed a closer attachment and that he had never seen anyone so devastated by grief.

Grief.

Who knew a genocidal warlord could feel such things?

The point is that even Hitlers have moms they love, but Hitler’s love for his mom did not stop him from orchestrating the death of more than six million Jews, which he clearly had no love for.

MANAGING IMPRESSIONS

Some people are remarkably skilled at managing impressions. They may be charming in public, professional at work, generous with friends, and attentive to neighbours. Their unkindness is not necessarily constant or universal. It may be directed toward specific people, under specific circumstances, behind closed doors.

A person can be an excellent boss, but be an abusive spouse. 

A person can be a well-loved community volunteer, but be an abusive parent. 

A person can be loyal to their friends, but be an emotionally destructive and unfaithful romantic partner.

These scenarios feel uncomfortable because we prefer consistency. We want people to fit into neat categories like ‘good people’ and ‘bad people’ or ‘heroes’ and ‘villains’. Reality is too messy for that. Human beings are capable of extraordinary kindness and profound harm, sometimes within the same day, or even the same minute.

The versions of the people we know aren’t the only versions that exist. This does not mean every accusation should be accepted uncritically. Claims of abuse deserve our thoughtful consideration and fair evaluation. But scepticism should not become dismissal. There is a crucial difference between acknowledging that you don't know enough about a situation to draw conclusions and swearing that another person’s experience can't be true because it wasn't true for you. The latter centres your own experience as the ultimate and only measure of reality.

Maturity requires accepting that our perspective is limited. We are not the central witness to every relationship. We don’t always have the complete information about every interaction. We see only fragments of people’s lives. 

A criminal does not need to be a threat to you to be a threat to society. Many of us know criminals. We just refuse to accept them as such. If we could go back in time to hear from Hitler’s mom, she might just say he is the sweetest and most loving thing the world has ever known!

Kristen Gyles is a free-thinking public affairs opinionator. Send feedback to [email protected] and [email protected]