Pastor Advises Married Woman Struggling To Reach Orgasm Through Intercourse

Dear Pastor, I am 31 years old and have been married for two years. My husband and I were intimate while we were courting, before the wedding. The very first time we were together, he performed oral sex on me without asking whether I wanted it; he pulled me into his room and was all over me. It was during that encounter that I climaxed for the first time in my life, something that had never happened with any of the other men I had been with. After that, we had intercourse many more times before we married. Even so, ordinary intercourse on its own has never brought me to orgasm.

I raised the matter with my gynaecologist, and she assured me it was nothing to worry about. I still enjoy being intimate with my husband. When I told him something felt wrong, he echoed the doctor and said nothing is wrong with me and that I should simply relax. That is what has moved me to write to you. I can always tell when my husband climaxes; I can actually feel it. But he has to ask me each time whether I have reached mine. I hope you will not think me rude for setting this out and asking what you believe the problem is. On occasion I have had to guide him and ask him to perform oral sex so that I can climax. Is that normal? S.

Dear S., There are organisations that run classes for women only, teaching them how to reach orgasm during lovemaking. Your husband clearly has no difficulty climaxing, and as you point out, you can even sense the moment he is ready to. Some men learn how to hold back so they can please their partner. Several good books are on the market that you and your husband could buy and read together to help you get there. There are also channels in which people explain the steps that can be taken to reach orgasm.

If reaching that point matters greatly to you, you and your husband should book an appointment with a sex therapist, who can walk both of you through what to do. I could say a great deal more, but I will not do so in this column, because I am aware that many children read it every day and I do not want to plant strange ideas in their minds. Pastor